*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
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ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip