*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
You Might Also Like
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
weaknesses
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them