*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
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Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Uncharted Territory… underneath the refrigerator
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.