*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
You Might Also Like
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
somebody come look at this
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics