Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: What does antique mean?

Me: It means old-

4: Oh…like you?

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks

Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”

Yup, NOT going in there.

[ I am abducted by aliens ]

alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different

me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.

Hey all,

I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.

From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.

Forgive me—I will do better next time.

~a dad, trying

“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

Interviewer: describe yourself

Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person

You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor

Doctor: I have bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling

Me: whew, I thought I was dying-

Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.

surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”

I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.

My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.

13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day

Me: What have you written so far?

13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”

M: Good opener.

*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy

At an art museum and I thought this was art

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M