*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
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*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Ovenable?
