*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
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Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Every work call, he judges.
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I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.