*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
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Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
thats my bad
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.