Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???

You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?

Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻‍♀️

I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.

I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.

I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.

This is my pinned tweet

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

[Games store]

ME: Do you sell chess sets?

SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*

Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.

The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.

Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day

*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*

DH: well this has been wonderful

if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad

When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.

The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩

Put a mirror on the ceiling.

She said.

It will be sexy.

She said.

Terrify yourself every morning.

I found out.

*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect

“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”

My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit

I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.

Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove