*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
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one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Des Moines Police having a normal one
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup