[Brings date back to my place]

Date: It’s kinda cold in here

Me: Why don’t you join me under this blanket?

Date: eh..I dunno

Me: *shaking mom awake* can you scooch over abit

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professor x: what is your superpower

me: dinosaur chicken nuggets

professor x: that is not a superpower

me: i thought you said superfood


Me: *doesn’t drink soda because it’s unhealthy*

Me: *drinks alcohol*


[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]

Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area

Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds

Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist


WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
ME: I don’t know


therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants


Wife: were you even listening to me?

Me: no

Wife: then what did I just s…wait, what?

Me: I said no

Wife: I’m not sure what to do now


Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.


This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.


ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that