@Ochie2S

[Brings date back to my place]

Date: It’s kinda cold in here

Me: Why don’t you join me under this blanket?

Date: eh..I dunno

Me: *shaking mom awake* can you scooch over abit

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@linkindrinkin

professor x: what is your superpower

me: dinosaur chicken nuggets

professor x: that is not a superpower

me: i thought you said superfood

@drunk

Me: *doesn’t drink soda because it’s unhealthy*

Me: *drinks alcohol*

@BoomBoomBetty

[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]

Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area

Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds

Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist

@BuckyIsotope

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know

@climaxximus

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

@TheMichaelRock

Wife: were you even listening to me?

Me: no

Wife: then what did I just s…wait, what?

Me: I said no

Wife: I’m not sure what to do now

@chudneyspears

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.

@BuckyIsotope

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that