professor x: what is your superpower
me: dinosaur chicken nuggets
professor x: that is not a superpower
me: i thought you said superfood
[Brings date back to my place]
Date: It’s kinda cold in here
Me: Why don’t you join me under this blanket?
Date: eh..I dunno
Me: *shaking mom awake* can you scooch over abit
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Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Me: *doesn’t drink soda because it’s unhealthy*
Me: *drinks alcohol*
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]
Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: I don’t know
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Wife: were you even listening to me?
Wife: then what did I just s…wait, what?
Me: I said no
Wife: I’m not sure what to do now
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that