Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.

I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

Me: What do you want for your birthday?

12yo: I don’t know

Me, jokingly: Drugs?

12yo: Nah, too expensive

Me:

next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)

With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter

Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.

Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]

“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”

The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.

I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.

Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.

me: [yawning] might get dressed today

coworkers in zoom meeting: please do

this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀

Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were