[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
You Might Also Like
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
The best plant holders?
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”