[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
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me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.