Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

me linking you to my twitter

if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.

If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!

Reasons I’m not married:

– Am focusing on my karate career

– Wedding could clash with karate class

– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training

– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class

– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines

cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor

me: i don’t know where dave is

cop: how did you know it was dave

[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel

Do you know who REALLY gets irony?

Skydiving schools.

Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!

*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*

Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.

If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano

OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG

Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why

Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌

Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.