Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah

I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.

Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.

[12 minutes later]

Me: I have eaten my best friend.

What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food

If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

Him: SHE SAID YES!!

Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.

HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol

OMG 🤣🤣

I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.

[breaking up with a guy]

Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?

If y’all see a mushroom cloud over north Mississippi don’t worry it’s just me burning all the Amazon boxes.

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.

now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy