Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.

sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.

Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-

Wife: YES!

if you’re a public defender named mario you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever

No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.

Okay me first

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.

Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN

Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.

Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it

me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met

her:

me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape

Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.

It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.

Yeah, I’ll go with that.

Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.

Me: I say it will be $750

Hubs: I say $630

Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29

Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!

Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount

When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.

*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.

Me: Have fun on your date.

Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?

Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?

agent: may i please have your account number

me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times

agent: sorry about that

me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer

agent: ideally, yes

me:

agent: may i please have your account number

Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.

Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear

Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away

Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.