Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…

I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”

None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS

No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.

The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’

6 weeks. lol.

DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

Vodka burrito was a success

Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.

I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything

Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.

when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.

Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.

A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.

I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Was I speeding?”

“No. Because you have a pony tail.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Sir, you’re over 40.”

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.

[at restaurant]

me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.

waiter: what can i get you?

me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh