*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
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Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
monday
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.