*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
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“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Hot Hot Hot
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.