*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
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this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
We avoided this particular disaster
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.