*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
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Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Sunday
yeah no that’s fair
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope