Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.

do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me

One of the best

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!

Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.

Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.

That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”

-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn

I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture

Me: *walking in front of husband at store*

Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”

Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*