Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!

Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.

Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

Me: Those shoes are fresh!

12: Mom. No.

Me: Don’t be whack.

I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.

When you pick your nose after dusting the house

Somedays I just love AI so much

date: so what do you do?

me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.

Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime

Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.

Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

me: time for some laundry 🙂

laundry machine: ok 🙂

me: ok time to dry 🙂

dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets

Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.