Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.

Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.

where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.

A roof is a house hat.

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.

[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”

Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.

A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.

doing your own taxes

i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot

I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.

I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold

i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery

The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself

A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.

My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.

This is bullshit.

dentist: lay on the chair please

me: ok

dentist: face up

Me: you want salmon for dinner?

3yo: yeah!

Me: what do you want with it?

3yo: mayo.

Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.

3yo: mayonnaise.

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend

after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger

Who’s drunk

*raises leg