Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

gollum: *coughs on ring*

frodo: you know what, keep it

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.

I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.

As long as that distance is 300 miles.

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.

[Jurassic Park]

JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!

ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island

JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”

. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

The regular crowd

👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /

Shuffles in

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…

Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way

I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.

Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”

I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places

*signing divorce papers*

Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*

What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?