*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
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list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Free him
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!