*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
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Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*