*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
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Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
And that about sums it up.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”