Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise

It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.

My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.

[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.

boss: you’re late

me: I broke down on the way here

boss: did they tow your car?

me: car?

CANADA WATCHING US NEWS

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station

Important reminders

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?

i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”

my father died in a conga line and so shall i

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could

Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.

I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.

AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait

my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated