Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”

I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”

My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles

Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.

*during sex

Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?

I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.

to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.

Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead

I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.

Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board

Me: I have a PhD in mathematics

Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack

Me: *nodding* that makes two

*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*

Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”

Wife:

Me: Everything isn’t about you.

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.

me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check

cop: that’s not how this works

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.

Goodyear: tires

Badyear: 2020

My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math

Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.

When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher

The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card

Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy