*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
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Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
No chill.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.