*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
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Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Herpes is trending, good job people
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.