*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
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A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Whoops
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Hey Fugeddaboutit
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
How all things should be taught/explained.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down