*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
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No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?