*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
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U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*