*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
You Might Also Like
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
True
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.