*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
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Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.