Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.

I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.

14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?

Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?

Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—

Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

Them: Pleasure to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”

Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty

Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…

Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly

Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest

(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps