[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
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The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I have so many questions.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*