Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.

Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”

*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.

The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

What happens if you fight a dinosaur?

You get Jurasskicked!

Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.

“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

I bet the first person that had a flush toilet in their house were mocked by someone saying something like “Ooh, Mr fancy pants is too good to shit in a bucket and throw it out the window. Ooh”

Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM

Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM

There is no winning 🙄

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

*watching Only Murders In The Building*

Me: “Where are all the crows?”

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.