Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.

Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]

10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

*limbos away from your hug*

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.

Me: What does my hair look like?

3: Like stupid.

She gets her tact from me.

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”

How much for the vacation home?

Sir, this is a coffin.

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard

🤣😂🤣😂

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!

they should invent a rest for the wicked

Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb

Person: Raise your glasses!

Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*