Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.

Me: *half an hour later*

eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

Glorious 12/27 to those who celebrate.

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about wtf is going down in the microwave

She: I like Cats
He:

My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody

A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.

My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.

Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves

I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first