Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter

People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.

If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.

3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven.

3: I don’t want to go there.

Me: Why not?

3: It’s full of dead people.

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.

SHE has the mouth of a sailor…

…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

#NationalGardeningDay

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out

What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.

Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.

I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.

My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

I should’ve peed first

– my headstone

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”

No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.

I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.

Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton

2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?