Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I slept like shit.

– how adults say “good morning”

Me: Forgive me father I have sinned

Priest: Get out of my house

M: But it’s a big sin

P: *sigh* Speak child

M: I broke into your house

How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.

Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”

BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔

a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head

As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship

My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot

The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.

I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes 🙂

*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’

Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.

When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.

Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football

My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.

Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.

Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.