Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.

kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.

British parking sign:

———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————

toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do

Dog: Time to take me out

Me: Ok

[5 minutes later]

Me: [calling dog to the front door]

Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]

ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]

HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!

M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome

Cherry seeds are just the pits.

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

my favorite genre of twitter

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.

🥲

Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?

Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?

Me: we’re texting

Him: I heard it

wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo

Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports

Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)

Me: He’s crowning!

King Charles: please don’t say it like that.

Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there

My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]