*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
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instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.