*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
You Might Also Like
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I’m calling the cops.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts