Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?

i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.

I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.

Please can I keep him – he followed me home!

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old

All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion

*seduces you by wearing a sundress

*ruins it by running in flip flops

do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots

The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.

Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away

“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern.

Me if I was a dog

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”

Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.

I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.