*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
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The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Sounds like a real hoot.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5