*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
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I feel like one of these would kill a European
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x