*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
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[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on