*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
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My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Cndnsd Mlk
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
He a real one for that
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated