Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO

[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager

Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.

one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun

God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.

I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that

Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight

excel: is that a date?

me: 57.39 is very much not a date

excel: strong date vibes to me

me: h-how

excel: fixed it

me: 57/39/2020?

excel: you’re welcome

tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them

How does one answer this?

If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.

facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site

My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time

[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”

hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?

Do not go gentle into that good night,

“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon

Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.