Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

police: put ur hands behind ur back

me: are u mad at me

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.

Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed

The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates

anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time

I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

every time I roll over in the middle of the night

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*

Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”

*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard

I’m fine