Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
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*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”