Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
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Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong