Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]

bought wrong eggs

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.

My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far

alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.

A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’

coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.

My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies

I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*

[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it

“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350

you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.

Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.