Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.

Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both

fireworks, because firehasbillstopay

“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.

Push and Pull.

starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes

ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!

wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?

After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit

Seductively rubs salt in your wound.

ok like just. call me at this point

“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”

~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.

Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…

Wrong answers only !

“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”

*Buys everyone snacks

My little girl will never have daddy issues.

But her future boyfriends will.

Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.

On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.

Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..

What the hell happened in there??

aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried

Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.

Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.

Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces

Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.

Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.

It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.