Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
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Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back