Britain be like
You Might Also Like
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’
His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’
He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
TEETH IS INNOCENT
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.