Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

no one likes gloating

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

Whoops

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”

(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.

Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.

I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues

Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.

I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

Economists trying to explain how inflation is real

Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.

Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.