Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
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If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
What’s the point buying it then?
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later