britain’s three elite institutions
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If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?