britain’s three elite institutions
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(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
The only good comments section online is on recipes
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda