britain’s three elite institutions
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the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I love you…
…r dog.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Aw man, but that’s the best part
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”