BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
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Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
happy friday
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two