british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.
Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Meeeee too!
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
