british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
