british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
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What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.