british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
the short answer to this question
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
me after eating Cheetos
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
