Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*

[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30

For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey

It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.

I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me

Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…

Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.

I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…

It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.

“Wait, let me explain..”

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty

When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.

As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”

Breakfast in bed.

He wanted to make sure😂

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic