British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
