British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
If y’all see a mushroom cloud over north Mississippi don’t worry it’s just me burning all the Amazon boxes.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Meow
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Me: don’t you want some socks? It’s freezing in here
3 yr old: no
Me: you just want bare feet?
3 yr old: *looks at me weird* no mommy, I have people feet
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
