Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever

General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet

Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.

I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.

Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days

GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing

ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me

GUY: DAMMIT

😜

My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.

Me: Now do you believe me?

Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.

Me: Then who made all that ice?

Wife: *walks away*

Me: WHO?!

5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”

Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it

5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”

Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?

I like how “not my circus, not my monkeys” softly implies that you DO have a circus—perhaps even complete with monkeys—but this isn’t it

I got a sweater for Christmas.

I’d asked for a screamer or a moaner.

Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?

Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.

My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.