Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

Thank you, Internet.

Thank you.

ME: What’s the capital of Germany?

SON: G

ME: So college is a no then?!

I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.

Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.

My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.

The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.

Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”

Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.

WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.

[later at the dinner party]

ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?

No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter

My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.

God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?

Lion: yes.

God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?

Lion: no why?

[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]

God: I guess I’ll delete them then.

Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!

*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no

Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.

Told her to just roll them a little tighter.

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going

*Cleans glasses*

“Omg I have a cat?”

Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS

If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.

One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.

My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?

My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.

Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.