Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

Me: I lost twelve followers today.

Wife: On Twitter?

Me: In the woods.

Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!

[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this

[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today

There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.

🤣

sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me

[something bad happens to me and I disappear]

Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

7: Golf is not fun to watch

ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context

7: What are nuances and context

Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make

7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not

Me:

7: Usually not

Me:

7: They aren’t even good at it.

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money

Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria

friend: edible kick in?

me [washing my hands]: not yet

friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

Just as the prophecy foretold

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

Two things I have learned at the beach:

1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet

2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.