Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up

deleting my mental health to focus on my social media

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon

Her: I love your eyes.

Me: Thanks, they were a set…

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.

What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.

[on stage]

me: *takes a bow* thank you

Violinist: hey, I need that

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”

Suffering from kleptomania?

You should take something.

Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?

Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox

Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!

Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face

Prince Charming:

Friend:

Prince Charming: she left her shoe

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

[haunted house]

FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes

This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.

She’s…..

Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis

I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*