British people
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My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
*offers Batman cough drops*
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
[canadians at you, canadianly]
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.