British people
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Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Cause of death: Zumba
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.